Tuesday, 31 October 2017

I Don't Know How To Ask My Loved Ones For Help With My Depression

I have been on antidepressants for five months now and I have been trying to manage my depression and panic attacks as best as I can but I still don't know how to ask for help when I feel like I need it.

To be clear, I don't mean that I don't know how to talk to my doctor about it. I have been seeing a psychologist for the past few weeks and we've been discussing how I've been feeling, what has been upsetting me and why I perceive certain situations in specific ways.


My problem is that outside that context I am finding it extremely hard to talk about how I'm feeling with my friends and loved ones, even when I need help. I have no problem telling people that I'm on medication and do not feel ashamed about being depressed because I am trying to get better and learn how to manage it.

However, I am also aware that a lot of the time I really need a hug and I need to be around people I trust, sometimes constantly, in order to feel safe. If for any reason I find myself unable to do that on a regular basis I end up getting panic attacks, hyperventilating, shaking and crying uncontrollably without being able to explain why this is happening or being able to stop it.

When people ask me if I'm ok or want to know what's wrong, I find myself unable to give a satisfying answer, because nothing specific has happened, but my brain has decided that I need to be a wreck now and my body is going along with it and all I can tell for sure is that I need someone to hold me until it's over.


And that's the hard part (as if the actual panic attacks were not hard enough on their own). I don't know how to call someone and say 'can you please come and hold me for an indefinite amount of time because I can't stop crying and I don't want to be alone?' Especially since I am fully aware that this is not a one time thing, rather it's an ongoing issue I've been facing for years.

What makes me literally paralysed with fear is that I know that the real question is not if someone can come do that once, but if they'd be willing to come do that forever because I can not handle my own emotions. And the fact that I believe the answer will be no. 

I have convinced myself that nobody would ever care about me enough to say yes and, even if they did, how can I ask someone for something like that?


I have put myself in a situation where my greatest fear is being alone, but I am so afraid of being left alone that I am unable to ask people to be around me, in case they say no and then I end up alone. While I can see how that leaves me being alone anyway, I don't know how to escape this vicious circle as all I can do when all these feelings come up is curl up in a ball and stay still, utterly paralysed and unable to ask for help.

What makes everything worse is that if anyone asks if they can help me with something, I will lie and say I don't need anything and pretend I'm fine so they don't worry and they leave me alone.


To be honest I am not even sure why I wrote all this, maybe it's my way to make sense of how I'm feeling.

Maybe, though, if more people read this they can do their best to tell their loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses how much they love them and that they are going to be there to hold them forever if that's what they need.

I'm not sure if I'll ever find the courage to ask my loved ones for that, but I really wish I could.


Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Observations Of A 27 Year Old Woman

How am I even 27? While I fully expected to be a real adult by this point, I have to say that I have not felt like one yet and I am starting to think that this may all be a conspiracy by people who want me to be more responsible. Honestly, I try my best, but most of the time it's much more fun to be a little crazy.


In any case, I believe that in all these years I have learnt some valuable life lessons that I wanted to share with you.

1. When it comes to sex and working out, if you haven’t done something in 3 years it’s probably going to hurt. However, the more you do it the better and honestly sex is so much better than a workout anyway.

2. Periods are nature’s way to punish you for not having babies. That’s why they feel like someone kicked you very hard in the ovaries. Nature did... with a baby sized foot. Go away stupid period!

3. You may think that you can still go out, drink and have amazing sex but you’ll probably go home and fall asleep in your clothes and wake up with a headache while your friends will be laughing at all the stupid things you did the night before.



4. It's ok to be scared when other people start having kids and tell you you'll be next. In a way, children are just like a sexually transmitted disease and you don't see anyone looking forward to getting an STD.

5. Asking 'where do you think ducks sleep?' can definitely kill any romantic mood during a date. On that note, if you're consciously trying to kill the mood, you should probably accept that there isn't much chemistry there.

6. If you usually do stupid things when you drink, it may be better to go drinking alone so that you don't have to apologise to everyone you know the next morning.


7. Any posts on social media after a significant amount of alcohol should be deleted the next morning and forgotten forever.

8. You can not control if someone gets an erection when you kiss them and there is no way to actually kiss someone you really like and make sure they don't get one. Each person's body reacts differently.

9. If a guy expects to be a king by your side, he should start by treating you like a queen first.



10. If you watch Sex & The City and can think of a guy like that whom you've dated in every single episode, then well done you. We should start a club and we can name it something cool that I haven't thought of yet.

11. A guy who breaks up with you thinking there is a queue of women waiting for him out there will get the shock of his life when he sees the queue of men waiting out there for you. And he totally deserves that.

12. Your main priority in life is to make yourself happy. Once you are happy your positive energy will attract the best people around you.



13. Sometimes people in the street do judge what you are wearing. But there is no such thing as bad publicity. If someone takes a photo of you offer them an autograph and enjoy the confused look on their face.

14. You need to learn how to say no and be ok with that. If you don't want to go out just because you don't feel like it you shouldn't need to make up an excuse because your feelings are just as valid as any other reason.

15. Nobody has everything under control. While most of us have practiced how to look like we got it together and are good at the whole adulting business, everyone still has things to learn. It seems that being an adult is accepting that you'll never stop learning, growing and changing. And that's ok.


So here's my two cents (or 15) in this discussion. If I ever discover how to be a proper adult I will let you know but for now if anyone knows where to hand in my adult card and go back to sleep just leave a comment below.

Lots of love,
Kristine



Wednesday, 18 October 2017

The Dolls In The Window

A world behind glass that music can't penetrate
Selling the dream of happiness
The price
Become plastic
Like the dolls in the window.

Mannequins are not there for people
To imagine themselves in their place
They are what we must become.

Unmoving, unfeeling, perfectly static
Still in time
Sculptures for the world to observe
Breathing photographs.

Until breathing can end too.

If only those mannequins could dance
If they heard the music and swayed
They won't
We never gave them the option.

Alive, uncontrollable, unpredictable
Words which are not good for business
Emotions are only good if they mean cash.

But music is freedom and freedom is life
If we never stop to listen
We will never be free
Never see we've become
Like the dolls in the window.


I wrote this poem last week when I was out for a walk in Oxford Street late at night. The shops were closed, the streets were almost empty and a man was playing wonderful music on his keyboard in front of John Lewis. Nobody stopped to listen, people walked past without even turning his way.

Why do we not hear the music?

Thursday, 12 October 2017

What Girls Think About When They Are Drunk On The Tube

First things first... We've all been drunk on the tube, trying to get home late at night after hours of drinking and dancing. Normally these are times we forget about as soon as our heads hit the pillow and the night before is all kind of a blur the next morning but at least we got home safe, right?

Well, thanks to my brilliant idea last time I was drunk to take out my phone and start writing whatever came to mind now we have some answers about what girls think about when they are drunk on the tube....


And the answer is: FOOD!

So here are my brilliant bits of wisdom. I don't know if you'll find them enlightening but I hope you'll find them at least mildly entertaining. I mean, I can't help laughing when I read over them but I suppose I am a bit biased.

'If zombies feel about brains the way I feel about the french fries and chilli of the guys who are sitting next to me  I totally get it.'

Well... that makes me hope there is no zombie apocalypse any time soon because I was so ready to pounce on those fries. Or possibly flirt my way to them. Is that bad? But fries and chilli though!


'Is it bad wishing people will get off the tube and leave their food?'

Ah.. those debates with myself in order to assess the situation. If someone leaves the tube and the food stays behind it's fair game, right? Finders keepers... you snooze you lose!

'Why does food smell so good if you're not supposed to grab it from other people?'

I guess that is the point where it started going downhill... Instead of just hoping to pick up any leftovers from someone who got off I was now looking at the food currently being eaten by other people and plotting ways to take it from them. I half imagine me lurking like the Gollum calling onion rings 'my precious'.


'When you're hungry enough to wrestle a girl for her food but you know you'd lose against her boyfriend.'

I am quite glad I didn't actually go forward with this plan. I must have clearly gotten quite desperate by that point but I was holding on to some common sense to realise that I couldn't and probably shouldn't go against two people over some food.

By this point I was at Charring Cross, where I remembered there is a McDonalds so I got off and got a burger and some fries and sat outside eating them. I can't tell you how good that felt. 



Although, while I was eating a guy stopped and told me he wanted me to choke and die because I was clearly a bitch since I was not with a man and was not talking to him either. So yeah... I just wanted some food but I also got a sexist comment on top of it. After that I ordered an Uber and went home safe without anyone else wanting me dead.

So my final piece of drunk wisdom is this...

'There's a time at night when monsters come out. If you survive that you have the time drunk hungry people come out to look forward to.'

One of them could clearly be me. Another one might be that guy who wants women who don't belong to a man to choke and die. You never know what you'll get but I bet you wish it's me lusting over your food if these are the options.


Lots of love
Kristine


PS: If you see me at night drunk on the tube give me some fries... 

Thursday, 7 September 2017

THE MIST: The 2017 TV Series VS The 2008 Movie & The 1980 Book

*Spoilers Ahead*

Not entirely true to the original Stephen King 1980 book plot or the 2007 film, the new 2017 tv show The Mist offers a new take on the story, with new storylines and sub plots, while keeping some of the original elements of the previous versions of the story.

The Mist Book

The Common Premise

The story is set in a small American town, Bridgeville, Maine (originally Bridgton, Maine), which is suddenly covered in a strange mist. If you've read a few Stephen King stories, nothing good ever happens in Maine! In the book and film versions, the mist appears after a strange thunderstorm, during which the power is lost, so most residents go to pick up supplies from town in the morning. In the tv show, we see the mist approaching the town slowly over a period of a day or so, during which everyone in town goes about their lives as usual and the electricity is actually only lost a couple of days after the mist arrives.

The Mist film

In all cases, the residents of the town find themselves in various locations, essentially trapped inside stores, with strange monsters roaming free outside and no way to communicate with their loved ones or call for help. Issues like limited supplies, ongoing rivalries and religious interpretations of what the mist is all about arise and our characters are called to find effective solutions. Of course, there's also a lot of panic and monsters and a lot of people die in the process, because it is of course a horror story.

The Protagonist And His Family

In the book and film the main protagonist is David with his little son Billy, who get trapped in the local supermarket. David's wife is left home at the start of the events and is killed off by monsters. While her death is uncertain in the book, it is confirmed in the movie.

For the tv show, a new protagonist has been created, Kevin Copeland. He finds himself at the police station when the mist arrives, then moves to the church and eventually heads towards the mall, in order to find and rescue his wife Eve and teenage daughter Alex, who get trapped at the mall from the beginning. Kevin seems strong and determined, the classic movie protagonist who somehow despite being an ordinary guy manages to fight monsters and other people and still survive.

the mist protagonists


A new sub plot about Alex getting raped the night before the mist has been written into the tv show and becomes a big plot device as the series goes on, with some characters blaming the rapist for the mist and the rest blaming Alex herself for allegedly lying about it altogether. While at the beginning we believe the rapist is Jay, the chief's son whom she likes, we soon find out the real rapist is her best friend Adrian, who is actually mentally ill and eventually kills his father and tries to kill Kevin too.

Towards the end Jay actually sacrifices his life to save Alex, after her family is thrown out of the mall to die, allowing them to escape to the car. Kevin reverses the car towards the mall's glass door, shattering it and thus letting the mist kill everyone inside.

the mist Jonah Mia

Mia & Bryan/Jonah

Two new characters are created for the tv show to act as supporting characters to Kevin and help him in his attempt to get back to his family. Mia, a drug addict who kills a man at the beginning of the show and is put in prison for trespassing on her mother's old house and Bryan, a soldier with memory loss, who is the first person to see the mist at the start of the show and runs into town to warn everyone. Of course the police chief doesn't believe his story and puts him inside a cell next to Mia. When the mist arrives Kevin frees both of them so they can help him find his family and slowly a romance develops between Mia and Bryan.

While Mia's story is all about feeling guilty about her mother and eventually overcoming it and wanting a better life for herself in the future, the moment she begins to be hopeful and trust Bryan (who by that point has found out his real name is Jonah), he abandons her, in order to find out who he really is and why his memories are gone. His backstory is never really explained and is left for the next season.

The Mist Tv Show

The Crazy Religious Lady

In all versions of the story, the main antagonist is an old lady, who starts from the sidelines and slowly takes control and gathers followers around her. In the original plot, Mrs Carmody is with the group in the supermarket and tries to convince everyone that the mist will go away if they offer a human sacrifice. When she tries to have the protagonist's son killed she gets shot in the abdomen and dies.

The tv show introduces a different crazy old lady, Nathalie Raven. She is the protagonists' neighbour and is shown to be in tune with nature. As soon as the mist arrives, her husband is shot in the head in front of her and she seeks refuge in the church, where she claims to communicate with insects and slowly turns the congregation to her side, leading up to a test of faith between her and the priest, with them going outside and the priest being dragged away by the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

The Mist Tv Show

After gaining full control of the situation, she convinces everyone that the mist is here as a punishment for Alex's rape and that the only solution is to offer the rapist to the mist. While everybody agrees, all but the police chief and a couple refuse to follow her to the mall, so she locks them inside the church and sets it on fire before she leaves. Shortly after the couple is also left to be eaten alive by rats on the way to the mall. Inside the mall, she convinces the chief to let his son out in the mist, as they both believe him to be the rapist and wait for the mist to go away. At the end of the series, Mrs Raven dies with the rest of the people inside the mall, when the mist is let in.

Where Did The Mist Come From?

During the events of the story we find out about the mysterious Arrowhead Project, developed in the nearby military base. The book leaves a lot of the information about it up for speculation, the film explains it as an experiment to look into other dimensions and in the tv show it is not explained at all. However, Bryan/Jonah starts to have flashbacks about his time with the project and it is implied he played an important role in whatever experiments were taking place at the base. At the end of the first season, Johan and the last surviving soldier are on their way towards the base, hinting that the Arrowhead Project will finally be explained in season 2.

The Mist Tv Show


While in the book and film the mist seems to already contain certain monsters like giant insects and pterodactyl like animals, in the tv show the nature of the mist is not as fixed. While insects like moths and spiders do feature heavily, the mist appears to adapt to each person's fears and character and create a nightmare designed especially for them. Kevin sees and fights other versions of himself in the mist, while Mia confronts her dead mother and Nathalie sees her husband and a particularly creepy baby who eventually kills her. My personal favourite was the priest's death, by the four horsemen, reflecting exactly what he believed would happen in the apocalypse. While the question of faith is raised within the series, it appears that there is no real answer and each person gets what they believe in.

The Ending

So far the ending has been different in all versions of the story. Originally, some of the surviving characters drive away into the mist. It is never explained whether the mist would end, if it has covered the entire world nor do we ever find out what the Arrowhead Project was all about. This type of open ending is characteristic of Stephen King stories, where you usually don't know if the events of the story you're reading are in fact how the world ends. This is usually achieved through power failures and loss of any phone networks. Other common themes are people being trapped in a specific location, cut off from the rest of the world so that the reader never finds out what is happening outside that location.

the mist finale

The movie version of the story changed the ending into a more sinister version. In the last few minutes of the film, the main characters who have managed to escape to the car eventually run out of gas, without knowing whether the mist will ever go away. In order to avoid being killed by the monsters, they agree that David will shoot them so they can die quickly. As soon as he has killed all of them and is now waiting for some monster to come for him, the mist subsides, the army arrives victorious and the whole incident seems to be over, leaving him devastated at the realisation that if he had waited a few more minutes the others would still be alive.

The tv show of course is far from over, but so far most groups of survivors that we have seen are dead. The church group was burnt alive, the rest were killed by the mist monsters in the mall. Two working cars, one heading to Arrowhead and the other driving as far away as possible hold the remaining survivors, while the potential of more people hiding in their houses waiting to be introduced in season 2 still remains. At this point however, we are more or less at the point where the original storyline ends, leaving season 2 free to explore any different directions the creators want and allowing the tv show to stand on its own, without any ties to the original story.

the mist train scene

As a teaser of a larger conspiracy and what is to come in the next season, in the last moments of the series, Kevin and his family reach the train station, where a train is approaching. Despite originally regarding it as their salvation, when the train stops they see the windows are all covered and when the doors open convicts with orange jumpsuits are pushed out by soldiers, leading them to believe that they are trying to feed the mist and opening up the potential that the mist was hardly an accident at all.

Where Does The Mist Fit Into Current Tv Programming?

The Mist is best described as if Stranger Things and American Horror Story had a baby, but the baby did not inherit any of its parents' talent. There has been a lot of criticism about the violence, gore and graphic deaths in The Mist. While it is not uncommon for people to die in a horror show, be it on film or tv, the way you handle deaths can play a big role in how they are received.

The Mist Tv Show

A classic slasher movie will have a handful of characters that you expect to see die in horrible ways and it is in a way part of the fun. They are there to die and maybe one of the original group might survive in the end. Within the space of a two hour movie, most filmmakers only have time for the main events of the plot and not too much backstory and character development. Tv shows on the other hand are traditionally much better in developing their characters, giving everyone a backstory and helping the audience connect with them. When those characters die, the audience cares about it and is emotionally affected.

American Horror Story has managed to do this in every season perfectly. While we know that most of the characters will die and die horribly too, by that time we have already connected with them. They have a full personality, a story. In The Mist, the characters who die are not important. They are simply there to be killed in various ways and the audience doesn't actually care. From the church group, the only characters that matter are Nathalie and the chief. None of the others are given much backstory and are only there as plot devices to show that Nathalie is crazy. In the mall we only focus on Eve and Alex and their interactions with the rest. We never see what the other people are doing so when they all die we don't actually care.

The Mist Tv Show

Knowing that the main idea of the plot has been done successfully within two hours in the past, the lack of character development for the rest of the new characters feels like a big waste. Most of the extra time has been given to develop Kevin and his family, who all things considered are still not particularly interesting. In fact, the characters who get the best character arks are Mia and Adrian, who to put it very simply go from being bad to good and vice versa respectively.

The Mist Tv Show


Regarding the similarities with Stranger Things, the Mist is trying to create the whole monster government conspiracy plotline, inserting the character of Bryan/Jonah, who was the one who was experimented on and has escaped just like Eleven, the whole experiment leading to monsters being unleashed into the peaceful town and the ending implying that everything was planned in advance. However, Stranger Things gained a lot more points for the impressive child actors, the 80s nostalgia and the general atmosphere of the show, something The Mist lacks both in terms of the acting and any unique atmosphere.

The Verdict

As a Stephen King fan I did actually enjoy The Mist. Is it the best series ever? Not by far. But it is enjoyable nonetheless as a decent scary tv show with monsters. I can of course not deny that the series has its faults, particularly the fact that while a lot of the ideas are there, The Mist lacks its own unique style that would make it stand out the way Stranger Things or American Horror Story do. However, now that the show is done with the original storyline and all the undeveloped characters have been killed off, the remaining few characters are finally a good number of people to focus on in the next season so as to be able to pay sufficient attention to each one and also advance the story further.

The Mist Tv Show

I firmly believe that this series has the potential to become great in the following season (or seasons) and I hope the creators will take a lot of the feedback into account and push the boundaries beyond just being a standard American slasher in tv form. All this series needs is to find its own voice and it could really be great.

Score: 7/10


Thursday, 24 August 2017

I Just Turned 27 And I Still Don't Know What I'm Doing

I expected being an adult to offer some kind of profound insight about life. I used to think that there is a magic threshold that you pass and suddenly everything makes sense. You have your goals, motivation and a path you follow. Somehow it seems that the opposite has happened.

Life as a kid is the clearest it's ever going to be. Going to school, year after year, there is a plan. My plan went all the way up to my masters degree. And then the abyss. Maybe that sounds dramatic. Trust me, it feels dramatic too. Oftentimes I sit and wonder if everyone else feels just as lost as I do or if they all know what they're doing. Chances are I'm not alone in this. I'm not special and I never really thought I was, so other people must feel the same way. I just wish that they were comfortable talking about it.

27 years old

Perhaps I'm a hypocrite myself, because to most people I must seem like I got everything figured out. I have a full time job that I enjoy, I go out and try new things, I travel to new places and meet new people. At least that's what people see (to paraphrase Taylor Swift).

The truth is that most of the time I'm too afraid to admit how lost I feel. I try to get a grip but I usually end up hiding under my duvet trying to not think about life. I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic. Most of the time I just wish I knew what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, that I had some kind of ultimate goal to work towards.

woman on mountain

People say things like 'you got all your life ahead of you' and 'you can be anything you want'. I remember wishing about material things on my birthday when I was little. Not for long though, Ever since my teenage years all I've been wishing for every year when blowing out those candles is to be happy. That's all I ever wanted to be.

Sometimes I think people in the past had it easier. While for most people options were limited, they knew exactly how their life would play out. Trust me, I realise how ungrateful this sounds and how it's a prime example of first world problems. We have everything and it's still not making us happy. Before you judge, just remember that the question of happiness and the purpose of life has been being debated since ancient times. If all the brightest ancient Greek philosophers could not find an answer, do you really expect me to do so?

Despite that, the prospect of coming up with an ideology, gathering 'students' who support me financially and essentially spending all day talking with them about the way the world works doesn't sound too bad. A bit too much like a cult though and that's really not my sort of thing. In any case, if I ever want to pour out random theories from my head there's always this blog, so I got that covered.

freedom

None of this has given me a solution though. Where do great ideas come from? How do people figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives? If you expected me to answer that question, you might be disappointed. You can join the club of everyone else who is disappointed in me.

But, maybe, you are like me instead. Maybe you too are not sure what you're doing with your life either, despite thinking you should have it all figured out. And to you my friend I have to say that you're not alone. And thanks to you I'm not alone either. See? You've already made someone else (I mean me) feel better. So maybe, it can be ok for us not to know what we're doing.

woman travelling

Something I've learn in the past few months is that stressing over everything that might happen or should have happened stops you from making anything happen. I have also become an expert in hiding under a duvet, but that's not particularly helpful. Anyway, my point is that all we can ever hope to do is take it one day at a time and do something that makes us happy today.

Slowly the days will turn into months and years and hopefully a few years down the line, looking back, we will be able to see the path that we've been on. Maybe we'll still be unable to see what lies ahead of us, but, if we keep doing one thing that makes us happy every day, we will manage to find happiness in life.

millennial women


If you've reached the end of this article I'd like to thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. Now close your eyes, take a deep breath and say with me: "It's all going to be ok."

No matter what, remember that you're not alone in this.

Lots of love
Kristine

Thursday, 8 June 2017

What it feels like when your heart is breaking.

warning: heartbreak, suicide themes 

Guys, I don't know what to do right now. I'm overflowing with emotions, I've spent the last two days crying my eyes out at home and in the office and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've also spent a portion of that time talking with friends about the issue at hand (a problem with my relationship that apparently I have no say in) and been getting advice. 

I'm smart, at least I like to think I am and I have spent years giving friends advice. I am good at it. I know the advice I'd give myself, end it now, move on, you deserve better, you deserve to be happy. You know who also told me I deserve to be loved and happy? Another person who broke my heart. And I want to call bullshit on it. You deserve to be happy means nothing. It means, you deserve to be happy, as long as I'm not required to do anything about it. Go be loved by somebody else.

And on the friends side, it means I love you and I don't like seeing you like that, so I'm hoping I can make you cheer up by telling you of how good it's going to be later. Yes, it will. And then the cycle will start again and I'll meet someone else who will break my heart again and even if tell every person I meet that being abandoned and having my heart broken is my greatest fear and they seem to understand at the time there will come a point when it won't matter.

suicide

I wonder... Why do people spend months to make you trust them, convince you that you're loved, safe, secure, that everything is the best it could be to then take it all away? I used to think the expectations were to be a good person, treat others with respect, build them up, be there for them, love them, make them happy. Isn't it ironic that I have apparently achieved all of these and yet still I am here breaking into pieces. I'm sure if I wasn't crying I would laugh. Or punch something.

Although I don't do that. Punch something that is. I can't scream and I don't get angry. Growing up in an abusive household where there were always fights I decided I wanted that out of my life. So I stopped myself from getting angry, I stopped yelling and now I can't do it even if I wanted to. I have perfected silent screams and I am pretty much reduced into tears with anything emotional. Tears are better than aggression. Tears are silent, can be hidden when you're sat in a crowded office typing this post out. Imagine if I was screaming right now... Not good for business.

breakup


On with my point. Last time I was heartbroken (or was it the time before) I remember spending a week in bed. I didn't have a job back then. I had holidays. I wrapped myself in my covers, held my cuddly dragon and cried and cried and cried and when the tears dried out the pain was still there. And I needed my laptop on. All the time. I went on iplayer and watched everything. Entire seasons of tv shows, as long as someone was there talking, as long as I could stop myself from thinking, from feeling all this pain.

I couldn't face people, I couldn't check social media, I just wanted to be there in the dark and forget that I had just lost everything I had hoped for. Let's go back to now.

If you asked me two days ago I'd tell you I'm happy, I'm loved, I have everything I ever wanted. Right now I can't breathe. The tears can't stop running down my face. I went to see Evanescence last night. I cry with their songs on a good day. I love their songs. Last night I spent an entire concert, an amazing concert, feeling the power of that music and trying to sing along while crying because every word hurt.

heartbreak

20 minutes ago I went to the bathroom, just for a normal bathroom break, and I ended up on the floor crying for 20 minutes.

This is what a heartbreak is like.

I suddenly feel like all the air is being sucked out of my lungs. I'm struggling to breathe and my head is turning. I push against the wall with my back, go towards the corner. Physical support in place of the emotional stability I've just lost. I push back stronger and also to the side with my arm. In the end I've collapsed on the floor. Those silent screams I mentioned before are here. My mouth is open, I'm screaming but with no sound. There's other people in the bathrooms, I can't have anyone hear me. Not that I could scream if I was alone either. I told you. I don't scream. I just open my mouth and I feel my lungs pushing the cream out but my vocal cords stay put. My ears hurt. I cry and cry and cry and my stomach feels tighter and tighter till I start coughing until I'm about to throw up. It feels like I am not getting enough air. I try to breathe but I'm back to pushing against the wall and the silent screams.

I have definitely heard at least 5 songs while I've been in here. Time to go back. Let's get some water first. Gotta stay hydrated. I don't know why. My brain is not making sense right now.

I've been sitting down staring at the wall for hours at a time. It's as if there's a voice in my head saying: look at this wall, look at this wall, look at this wall, all there is is this wall, don't think about anything else, just the wall. And then I snap out of it. And then I remember what I was trying to distract myself from and then the tears start again and now I can't breathe again.

heartbreak

Last night I googled 'how to commit suicide painlessly'. 

The first result is the suicide helpline. You can call and speak to them and they can talk you out of it. Or at least try to make you believe that there is another solution, you're not trapped, things will get better. There was also some info on how to tell you're suicidal. As if googling for a how to manual is not a strong indication. Apparently there's a few ways to tell. I matched the 'you're considering it as a viable solution' and 'you're not actively trying to but you'd welcome death if it came'.

But why wouldn't I? I'm in pain. Death would stop it. Why would I ever say no? Ok so since the last time I felt like this I've done a lot of things. I got my masters, I traveled, I made a new best friend, I got a job. I seemed to be functioning as an adult. But the 'plan' of my life is finished. There's no clear path after this and there's nothing I can 100% say is waiting for me. Again, two days ago I'd say I felt loved and that was definitely worth living for.

But now? Now I feel like I have jumped from a huge height but I seem to have been falling longer than expected and I just need to hit the floor already. I'm so tired of the fall.

drowning


Back to the search results. Surprisingly the answers are on the first page. There's a warning saying that you shouldn't do it. Or just use these for creative writing, not for a real suicide. Sure, that's what people use these for. First choice. CO2 poisoning. Apparently that needs a car, or an air locked room and a CO2 tank. Complicated. Sleeping pills. I've never taken those. I wonder if paracetamol would work. Is that why last time I was ill they wouldn't sell me more than two boxes? But I could go to multiple pharmacies. I was not trying to kill myself then. I was just very ill and I knew I'd get worse so I wasn't sure if I could go back and get more if I was feeling that bad.

I guess I could get sleeping pills. Take a lot of them, go to sleep and the pain would stop. It is actually viable. Easy even. I got scared and turned the laptop off. Is that where I am? Am I really googling this? Two days ago I was planning my summer holidays. I am supposed to be modelling next month. Will I go on stage crying?

I have zumba class tonight. I wonder if I can cry and work out at the same time. Will they let me do that or will I have to explain myself? I wanted to be the best version of myself. Now I feel like no version of myself is good enough. The more people keep telling me I deserve love the more I doubt it. The people who are actually loved don't need to be told. I don't even believe in deserving things anyway. I believe that you receive what you give. And I keep giving love and getting hurt. So maybe I'm wrong after all.

heartbreak

After reading all this you might expect a resolution. I don't have it. I don't know what to do. Still. But I just had to write this down before my head explodes. It's like the wall, but this time if I'm writing I may not need to think. More or less. I don't know. Maybe that's the writers' way of dealing with things. You know, top 5 food trends, by the way I want to die. This sort of thing. Points for varied content I guess. Put that on my tombstone. Actually don't. I want a rose carved on it. 

Well, I only promised to tell you what it feels like when your heart is breaking. Awful. That's what. And all the other details you just read. I don't have advice for how to fix it. That's also hurting me. I like fixing things. I can't stand not being able to do anything. But that's what heartbreak is like. Someone else breaks your heart and you can't do shit about it.

Anyway. I should get ready for that zumba class now. Maybe I'll talk to you more later.

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Update: Hey guys... in case I got anybody worried about me, I'm ok. I visited my GP, she prescribed me antidepressants and I talked with their crisis team. They came to my house daily for a week and it made a huge difference seeing how there is help if you dare to ask. I am now feeling much better, more confident in myself and realising how I'm strong enough to be happy on my own.