warning: heartbreak, suicide themes
Guys, I don't know what to do right now. I'm overflowing with emotions, I've spent the last two days crying my eyes out at home and in the office and I have no idea what to do with myself. I've also spent a portion of that time talking with friends about the issue at hand (a problem with my relationship that apparently I have no say in) and been getting advice.
This post is not to ask for advice.
I'm smart, at least I like to think I am and I have spent years giving friends advice. I am good at it. I know the advice I'd give myself, end it now, move on, you deserve better, you deserve to be happy. You know who also told me I deserve to be loved and happy? Another person who broke my heart. And I want to call bullshit on it. You deserve to be happy means nothing. It means, you deserve to be happy, as long as I'm not required to do anything about it. Go be loved by somebody else.
And on the friends side, it means I love you and I don't like seeing you like that, so I'm hoping I can make you cheer up by telling you of how good it's going to be later. Yes, it will. And then the cycle will start again and I'll meet someone else who will break my heart again and even if tell every person I meet that being abandoned and having my heart broken is my greatest fear and they seem to understand at the time there will come a point when it won't matter.
I wonder, why do people spend months to make you trust them, convince you that you're loved, safe, secure, that everything is the best it could be to then take it all away. I used to think the expectations were to be a good person, treat others with respect, build them up, be there for them, love them, make them happy. Isn't it ironic that I have apparently achieved all of these and yet still I am here breaking into pieces. I'm sure if I wasn't crying I would laugh. Or punch something.
Although I don't do that. Punch something that is. I can't scream and I don't get angry. Growing up in an abusive household where there were always fights I decided I wanted that out of my life. So I stopped myself from getting angry, I stopped yelling and now I can't do it even if I wanted to. I have perfected silent screams and I am pretty much reduced into tears with anything emotional. Tears are better than aggression. Tears are silent, can be hidden when you're sat in a crowded office typing this post out. Imagine if I was screaming right now... Not good for business.
On with my point. Last time I was heartbroken (or was it the time before) I remember spending a week in bed. I didn't have a job back then. I had holidays. I wrapped myself in my covers, held my cuddly dragon and cried and cried and cried and when the tears dried out the pain was still there. And I needed my laptop on. All the time. I went on iplayer and watched everything. Entire seasons of tv shows, as long as someone was there talking, as long as I could stop myself from thinking, from feeling all this pain.
I couldn't face people, I couldn't check social media, I just wanted to be there in the dark and forget that I had just lost everything I had hoped for. Let's go back to now.
If you asked me two days ago I'd tell you I'm happy, I'm loved, I have everything I ever wanted. Right now I can't breathe. The tears can't stop running down my face. I went to see Evanescence last night. I cry with their songs on a good day. I love their songs. Last night I spent an entire concert, an amazing concert, feeling the power of that music and trying to sing along while crying because every word hurt.
20 minutes ago I went to the bathroom, just for a normal bathroom break, and I ended up on the floor crying for 20 minutes.
This is what a heartbreak is like.
I suddenly feel like all the air is being sucked out of my lungs. I'm struggling to breathe and my head is turning. I push against the wall with my back, go towards the corner. Physical support in place of the emotional stability I've just lost. I push back stronger and also to the side with my arm. In the end I've collapsed on the floor. Those silent screams I mentioned before are here. My mouth is open, I'm screaming but with no sound. There's other people in the bathrooms, I can't have anyone hear me. Not that I could scream if I was alone either. I told you. I don't scream. I just open my mouth and I feel my lungs pushing the cream out but my vocal cords stay put. My ears hurt. I cry and cry and cry and my stomach feels tighter and tighter till I start coughing until I'm about to throw up. It feels like I am not getting enough air. I try to breathe but I'm back to pushing against the wall and the silent screams.
I have definitely heard at least 5 songs while I've been in here. Time to go back. Let's get some water first. Gotta stay hydrated. I don't know why. My brain is not making sense right now.
I've been sitting down staring at the wall for hours at a time. It's as if there's a voice in my head saying: look at this wall, look at this wall, look at this wall, all there is is this wall, don't think about anything else, just the wall. And then I snap out of it. And then I remember what I was trying to distract myself from and then the tears start again and now I can't breathe again.
Last night I googled 'how to commit suicide painlessly'.
The first result is the suicide helpline. You can call and speak to them and they can talk you out of it. Or at least try to make you believe that there is another solution, you're not trapped, things will get better. There was also some info on how to tell you're suicidal. As if googling for a how to manual is not a strong indication. Apparently there's a few ways to tell. I matched the 'you're considering it as a viable solution' and 'you're not actively trying to but you'd welcome death if it came'.
But why wouldn't I? I'm in pain. Death would stop it. Why would I ever say no? Ok so since the last time I felt like this I've done a lot of things. I got my masters, I traveled, I made a new best friend, I got a job. I seemed to be functioning as an adult. But the 'plan' of my life is finished. There's no clear path after this and there's nothing I can 100% say is waiting for me. Again, two days ago I'd say I felt loved and that was definitely worth living for.
But now? Now I feel like I have jumped from a huge height but I seem to have been falling longer than expected and I just need to hit the floor already. I'm so tired of the fall.
Back to the search results. Surprisingly the answers are on the first page. There's a warning saying that you shouldn't do it. Or just use these for creative writing, not for a real suicide. Sure, that's what people use these for. First choice. CO2 poisoning. Apparently that needs a car, or an air locked room and a CO2 tank. Complicated. Sleeping pills. I've never taken those. I wonder if paracetamol would work. Is that why last time I was ill they wouldn't sell me more than two boxes? But I could go to multiple pharmacies. I was not trying to kill myself then. I was just very ill and I knew I'd get worse so I wasn't sure if I could go back and get more if I was feeling that bad.
I guess I could get sleeping pills. Take a lot of them, go to sleep and the pain would stop. It is actually viable. Easy even. I got scared and turned the laptop off. Is that where I am? Am I really googling this? Two days ago I was planning my summer holidays. I am supposed to be modelling next month. Will I go on stage crying?
I have zumba class tonight. I wonder if I can cry and work out at the same time. Will they let me do that or will I have to explain myself? I wanted to be the best version of myself. Now I feel like no version of myself is good enough. The more people keep telling me I deserve love the more I doubt it. The people who are actually loved don't need to be told. I don't even believe in deserving things anyway. I believe that you receive what you give. And I keep giving love and getting hurt. So maybe I'm wrong after all.
After reading all this you might expect a resolution. I don't have it. I don't know what to do. Still. But I just had to write this down before my head explodes. It's like the wall, but this time if I'm writing I may not need to think. More or less. I don't know. Maybe that's the writers' way of dealing with things. You know, top 5 food trends, by the way I want to die. This sort of thing. Points for varied content I guess. Put that on my tombstone. Actually don't. I want a rose carved on it.
Well, I only promised to tell you what it feels like when your heart is breaking. Awful. That's what. And all the other details you just read. I don't have advice for how to fix it. That's also hurting me. I like fixing things. I can't stand not being able to do anything. But that's what heartbreak is like. Someone else breaks your heart and you can't do shit about it.
Anyway. I should get ready for that zumba class now. Maybe I'll talk to you more later.